Mother Daughter Dynamic
by S.equence
Summary: A strange, horrible dream, an accident and a newborn baby girl. Abby says goodbye to not just Luka but her life in Chicago.
1. Chapter 1 The Dream

Mother Daughter Dynamic

Chapter 1 The Dream

I don't own anything.

* * *

It was a dream, a horrible and impossible dream…

She sighed and sat up, slowly coming to the realization that her bottom was soaked in water. Her back ached as she pressed her legs into equally wet bedclothes.

"Luka!" she called, her voice slightly hoarse.

Luka came in to the bed, looking confused. "What is it?"

"My water broke…" She really hoped dreams like that didn't come true. She found it hard to know what to focus on, the worry itself or the pains stretching through her abdomen.

He took her hand, pulling her to her feet and looked her over. "We don't have to go in yet, unless you want to."

No she definitely didn't want to, not if it could wait but she didn't feel strong enough to resist. _Come on Abby, this is reality, not some dream…_She took Luka's hand for support and went over to her pile of clothes she had so lazily tossed her new pants on. With a large yawn she pressed her hands to her stomach and looked outside. It was dark and raining, just like in her dream. She shuddered at the thought. She turned to Luka, hugging him close.

He roughly hugged her back, compassionately as always and held out her coat to her. He took her shoulders as she put it on. He saw the feelings in her eyes, and the way she had hugged him. "Alright, let's go."

Abby gulped silently but went ahead of him in the hallway. She was already starting to forget the dream, as though it was no more than a forgotten nursery rhyme. Calmly she went out to the car, Luka at her heels. Once inside he put a blanket over her stomach, knowing how bad it must he getting by her face. Every few minutes he watched it flinch, but as they started to drive she seemed to know when they would come. He reached over and grasped her hand in his as they drove.

All was fine, even as they stopped at the intersection. He was getting ready to turn left, and pulled up some despite the confusion in the rain. Suddenly there was a harsh squeal of tires, and what he thought to be an accident far away was not. A white Cadillac hydro planed off the road, continually gaining speed as it flew right into the corner hood of their car. Luka was thrown backward and forward almost in the same moment. He lost Abby's hand. He could barely hear her screams. For a moment she didn't even seem to exist. He closed his eyes and drooped over in his seat.

Abby sat rigid, unable to do anything until the car was still on the wet road. She tried to crawl, tried to move, but either her feet were stuck or she was too in shock. Struggling to breathe, she looked over at Luka, passed out to the side. His head was engulfed in blood. She looked out the window, searching for the Cadillac. Her ears beat her eyes. She heard it speed away. It was then that she screamed, banging on the window until her knuckles bruised. Then she heard the sirens. Saw the flashing lights in the dim. More pain in her stomach, a gash on her leg. It was too much. She lost consciousness just as the door was wrenched open.

XxX

Haleh put the phone back from her ear and turned to the doctors in Admit. "Alright listen up, Medic says he's got two doctors from here, Luka, the Croatian, and Abby, she pregnant. They got hit by a hydroplaning Cadillac in the front and they're both unconscious!"

Doctor Weaver looked up, immediately stepping up too charge. "Damn it… Alright, who do we got?" Quickly she surveyed her colleagues, all frozen to the spot. "Aright, nurses prep trauma rooms… I bet Abby's in labor, Ray get a ultrasound, and fetal monitor and page Surgery, OB and NICU and PEDs. Pratt you and me to the ambulance bay, Morris clear any Trauma patients to exam rooms.

She watched them all move off for certainty, and then high tailed it out to the bay. She held an arm out to shield the rain from her eyes as she heard the ambulances surging in. This was going to be a bad one. She sighed stiffly and went straight to the first ambulance unloading Abby, leaving Pratt to Luka.

More shouts rang out as they surged through the automatic doors. "Pratt get Morris, Ray and Gates! Sam and Hope with me! Someone page Neela down here!"

XxX

She was unconscious all the way to County but as soon as those doors slid back for the gurney she was awake. How familiar it must have sounded for her to have heard that. For that split second she had thought it was okay. That she was just dreaming again. She breathed deeply, reminding everyone she was still with them. She groaned and grasped for her stomach as the shouts died down and the running began. She heard Kerry, "It's okay Abby you're safe now." What was this, a dream? Where was Luka, and why did everything hurt so much? She blacked out again.

XxX

"Pratt, he's loosing too much blood!" shouted Ray.

"I know that! Get transfusions, and meds, we'll get his heart going again. Gates, you're going to have to stem that bleeding until we get his rhythm up!" As if on queue the monitor started beeping frantically as heart rate continued to decline. "Paddles! 350!"

"Clear!" Luka's body went rigid, but in the same moment bounced back from the shock. "No change! 375!" They shocked him again but nothing happened. "Ray, get him intibated for some extra air. Stat, because we've got to shock him again! Gates start compressions!" He stepped back, and went to Luka's head. For years he had looked up to and befriended his coworkers, especially this one. And now his life hung in the balance.

XxX

Abby's eyes opened again, weary and tired as she felt the cold gel on her stomach. She blinked a few times but pain told her what was gong on first. She was starting to feel pressure and a lot of it. She groaned and put her head up to the pillow. Kerry was bent below her knees, checking for the baby's progress. "Sam you can take off the ultrasound, Hope monitor the fetal heart rate. We are all going to have to keep her awake." She looked at Abby with sad, but hopeful eyes. "You've got to stay awake," she said gently, rubbing her bruised cheek.

Abby nodded slightly and sat up, "Where's Luka?"

"You were in a car accident, he's in Trauma 2."

"Is he alright?" Her voice jumped in the horror of what was happening. Wasn't this just like her dream?

"Pratt's working on him right now." she said reassuringly.

Abby nodded, still looking a bit stunned and puzzled, but she relaxed against the pillows.

"I can't give you an epidural anymore, it would be too dangerous if you were to go unconscious again, but I do need you to stay awake. We can't deliver the baby anywhere else right now. But, I've paged everyone so if you need it we've got half the hospital on stand by." She smiled slightly as Abby was reassured.

Abby was surprised to feel not Luka's rough grasp but Sam's gentle hold at her hand as she was prepped for delivery.

"Alright Abby, baby's crowing, I need you to stay with me and push."

Abby nodded, feeling shaky and tired despite all the pain and pressure calling her awake. She just wanted to go back to sleeping, where she could think it was a dream. She supported herself by her spare hand. Her teeth gritted as she bore down, screaming in pain.

She felt Sam's grip tighten around her hand as Kerry finished the 10 count. She let her a break but too soon she said, "One last push Abby." Abby was fighting to remain awake just as she heard Hope,

"God be with you and your baby."

Even though she was not a believer this statement must of strengthened her somehow, because she surged forward and bore down, groaning and pushing with all her mite. Then she heard the crying and felt the tightening on her hand. She looked up, eyes in a fog from tears and tire. The pain in her abdomen left and she tried to breathe easy.

"It's a girl Abby," Kerry said, finishing the check and wrapping her in a blanket. She held the gurgling baby out to her with a proud sort of smile. She could never had been as strong as Abby just was.

"A girl?" Abby questioned, looking scared. She couldn't handle a daughter. It scared the hell out of her. She took the newborn with bated breath, "I have no idea what to name her. We planned on a boy..."

Kerry touched her shoulder gently, "You think about it, I'll take her to be weighed. Hope could you page OB again?"

"Abigail." Abby murmured. "That's what I'll name her, after me…"

XxX

"Ray shock him again at 500."

His body rose and fell with the shock. "No change."

"Again."

"Pratt it's been almost an hour with no rhythm… I don't think there's much else we can do." Ray spoke solemnly.

Morris who had neither said nor done much of anything stepped up, "No we've got to work harder, for Abby and the baby. All of us know that! Ray, give him air and I'll do compressions." The three worked in near silence for 18 more minutes, rhythms jumping slightly but not really changing. Pratt said 'clear!' and shocked him again. It was over.

The three stepped back from the case, hanging there head's in sad, sad horror.

"Time of death 8:52…"


	2. Chapter 2 Saying Goodbye

Mother Daughter Dynamic

Chapter 2 Saying Goodbye

I don't own anything.

-It's getting angsty eh? I hope you like. Also, if I did a few different versions of this would you read them?

Abby. She'd started calling her Abby. Before she was Abby, just her, like no others existed. Now there was the baby. The child she had been fated to raise alone. Neither of them could stop crying. The days went in slow motion. In tears and in rage. Nothing made it easier and nothing could make it worse. She had lost nearly everything that had kept her going since Luka's death. Her worst nightmare had fallen right on top of her. She doubted herself when she first conceived. She doubted herself all through the months. She doubted herself when the baby was born, and then the world crashed down. It was a daughter. She couldn't handle a daughter. She'd proven that these past few days, that she was a failure, just like her own mother.

She wanted to run away from all the events. Her world had betrayed her and she was trapped in the fog of never going back. Another part of life to lead just on her own, without accomplishment, without love, without belief. She shut her eyes as she lay in bed, trying to squelch away the tears. Nothing helped. No source of enjoyment or fulfillment could wipe away the past. No pride remained in her heart, no strength. She had been reduced to a sunken bundle of flesh. She wasn't even certain if she could feel anymore. Sadness had sucked her emotions dry.

Her head turned as more bawling was heard from the room across. If only Luka was here. No, not that name… The tears started to fall again as she got out of the bed and walked across the hall. She felt like Maggie, trapped with all those emotions, unable to feel correctly. Why had she named her baby after herself? Now she was going to feel like a walking shell of nothingness for the rest of her life. She didn't even have anything to remember Luka by. As she brought the pink dressed baby into her arms and held her close she tried to grasp how it should be.

There was always 'it would be better if it never happened.' She knew it was wrong to think like that, to abandon present and future. She seemed lost inside herself, without much choice, abandoned by everything in the world. Sure, she still had her friends, her coworkers… but she didn't want to see them. She no longer had an obligation, or a soul, or any happy feeling left. Everything was just gone, just like that. Down, down, down, and it wasn't ever going to come soaring back up. She looked down at the fragile newborn, gurgling in her arms.

In all her agony she could throw against the wall, shrivel and die. If not for the baby. She wasn't strong enough to abandon all that she had left, to betray herself and her past. Besides, if she moved on there wasn't any where else to go. At least not now. And besides, she wasn't even strong enough to leave. She had learned not to run, not to submit to some better alternative. What was at hand, even if it was hard couldn't be tossed aside. She sighed, rocking the baby girl close to her chest. Her legs barely seemed to support her slim body, numb, cold as ice in the lonely house. She looked out the window at the late, dark night… bringing devastation, ugliness, fear, darkness… It was so empty, a void that never filled and could never be avoided. No one was immortal; they all just got sucked up into that void. Take me with you, she longed to beg, but it was not in His way. Why was it His way to steal away her life from her?

If she hadn't been a believer before, she didn't know what she was now. Maybe it was best to intercept it, to give it to the child. Like Luka would of wanted. No, she had betrayed him already; shut him out when she named the child of herself. She hadn't even known the truth yet but looking back, something inside seemed to of said he was gone. She had had no strength to resist, and it was as though something else had take over at the decision. _"Abigail…"_ She could name herself a screw up now, just like her mother, that in naming the child like that she had plagued her with a life of failure and disappointment

She could only hope this wouldn't be true, a newborn with such a long life ahead of her. This was it for her, the child was getting the better chance, the better life, everything. What if it wasn't this way, so much like that nightmare… No, tomorrow it was all over for good. Tomorrow was the day for goodbyes, and they would drag her out of the house. And that would be the end of it all, just like it already felt like the end, or was the end or whatever. Everything was getting to difficult for her head; she stopped to look down to the tiny infant, quietly eating against her chest. Nothing was going to get better now, not for a long time…


	3. Chapter 3 Cry

Mother Daughter Dynamic

Chapter 3 Cry

I don't own anything.

-It's getting angsty eh? I hope you like it. Also, if I did a few different versions of this would you read them?

She hadn't slept since the baby was born. The newborn never paused her cries, not even for a meal and seldom for a nap. Most nights were spent downing caffeine when her body could take it and rocking the baby until her whole body ached. On some occasions, food was the enemy, forcing her to sulk in the bathroom for hours on end. Sometimes she felt forced to gag it back up purposely, just to rid her mouth of the ugly tastes and burning sensations. And still the crying never stopped from either of them. Tears fell like rain in floods and darkness forever shrouded each eye. There was no longer a light source, just empty, desolate, looming shadow.

The crying began again and with a shaky sigh Abby grasped the counter to pull herself from the tile. Now that it was no longer a risk to take on a bit of caffeine it had reduced her body to a shivering, unstable mess that not only brought everything back, but refused to rest. She limped with tire into the nursery, looking down at her wailing daughter. She lifted her head from the pillow, sighing shakily. "You need to sleep… why can't you... just sleep…" she moaned and lowered her back into the crib. Her cries subsided slightly as she heard her mother's voice, her head to small to comprehend its grief.

Abby shook away the tears and left her daughter. There weren't many other ways to take away the pain anymore, and nothing was going to stop her as she reached for the razor, cutting right down her shoulder. She winced, watching the start of blood. Tears and blood blurred into wails of pain.

"Luka! Luka! …….Luka…." Her face contorted in all the screams, in all the said life in her until she passed out. She didn't know what it was exactly what woke her up in hour's time, but Abigail was still crying, though mutedly as though it never stopped. Abby knew that it didn't. She caught a shaky breath, and brought her hand to her cold, stinging arm to examine the cut she had made. For the second time that day she stood with the counter and wiped away the blood from her wound. It was messy work, covering this up, throwing away the shirt, wiping down the floor, tossing the blade. If only sleep was an option, but now it was time to feed Abigail.

She went out, lifting into her arms her daughter with strength she doubted herself to possess. She sat down and let her nurse as she stroked her soft head, speaking quietly.

"Tomorrow, tomorrow we'll go see daddy, but then…. Then we're leaving."

She sat quietly with her for a long time, trying not to be tired, trying to show a little strength. She had already reduced herself to nothing, and at one time she had been so much stronger. She couldn't stand another drop off into nothingness from the shadows of what seemed to her like a past life. Even if Luka was gone, he had brought her something new enough to have a little strength for, and maybe a bit of blood on the ground had been enough to draw her out of the smoke.

"_**Dear, tears solve our sadness, not our problems. Pain lets it go off down the river… but what really solves anything is time."**_

-probably not as good as previous chapters, but I promise I have plenty of chapters left to go 3


	4. Chapter 4 One Last Look

Mother Daughter Dynamic

Chapter 4 One Last Look

I don't own anything.

New Version Plots: Twins; premature birth, boy twin dies leaving Abby and Luka with girl

Dream version: previous story up until chapter 4, in chapter 4 Abby awakes to find it was only a dream... interested? Leave me a review. I'll put the first chapters up asap.

Abigail had been quiet most of the morning, a relief to her grieving mother. Luka's funeral was just a couple hours away and Abby was preparing herself to exit the house for the first time in days. Her face stared back at her from the mirror in the dark bathroom, lightly blushed with powder. She was trying her best to correct the puffiness and tired look in her eyes but she hadn't dealt well without sleep. With a small sigh she changed into her black pants and the long sleeved shirt she'd bought at the mall a while back. It was nothing special, seeing as how she didn't know much of what to do with herself.

Her hair was tossed light and pleasant about her face, neat as it had been since she had arrived home from the hospital. It had taken her ages to remove the knots and kinks, but she was finally ready to leave. She stood behind the couch, listening for any sound from Abigail and contemplating whether to eat or not. She turned toward the kitchen, knowing how miserable she would become without food. Toasting a bagel and adorning it with a spread of cream cheese she exited the kitchen and sat down on the couch. The remote lay sprawled in the center of the floor from when she had fell on it in the middle of the night.

She set her bagel on the couch arm and turned on the TV silently. The news was on, from when she had come home that first night, totally out of it. There were a few clips from highway accidents, some road safety and construction issues…. She sighed and flipped it off. Boring. It was almost time to go out. She finished her bagel and stood to look out at the dull street below. It had been raining late into the night, keeping her awake until almost one.

She brushed the crumbs from her fingers and lifted her daughter from her crib, sweetly dressed in a soft pink jumper Neela had bought for them. She gurgled quietly, not making much fuss, as if she understood this was a quiet day. Abby took her out to the car, feeling glad that the rain had stopped to make their drive less hectic. She didn't realize how scary cars were going to be until she was in one again. That first day coming home it had been a mere distraction in her dazed mind. Today it was a big deal. Driving. The accident. It had messed up everything. She sighed, hands fiercely gripping the wheel.

'_Come on Abby…' _ She drove silent, slow and careful. Nothing would distract her. She cited every motion of the other drivers and focused on the road totally. By the time she reached the church she had almost forgotten why she was out. She walked inside, heels tapping across the walk. Her colleagues were standing, hands folded, heads bent… They smiled at her kindly. She was scared of them. She rested Abigail on her hip. No one had come to visit, or see how she was doing or asked about the baby. No phone calls, nothing. She sighed, returning their soft smiles.

As she came closer Ray and Morris kindly extended their hands, "Hi Abby, it's good to see you." Sam was next, hugging her tightly and Alex stood handsomely by her side. She realized the redness of Sam's eyes, she had probably been almost as bad off as Abby. Next was Neela, weak and shy looking, sorry that she hadn't called, hadn't come to see her… "Abby… how are you? I'm so sorry I didn't come to see you." Her eyes brightened as Abigail looked at her, eyes shining and 'ooed.'

"I'm fine. I missed seeing everyone, but I got on alright." She smiled a little and walked inside the church with her. She stepped off by herself for a moment, quietly turning back to Neela. "I'm going to take her to see him…" It was hard to keep her voice from faltering but with held high she brought her daughter down the aisle to the half open casket. Flowers from all different people adorned it in peace as sweet as his sleeping face. She smiled softly and lifted a shaky hand to stroke his cheek one last time. She lifted Abigail closer, her small arms reaching towards her father's face. "Say goodbye to Daddy Abby…" She sighed to herself and looked over his peaceful body.

"I love you Luka…"


	5. Chapter 5 Leaving

Mother Daughter Dynamic

Chapter 5 Leaving

I don't own anything.

Dream version: previous story up until chapter 4, in chapter 4 Abby awakes to find it was only a dream... interested? Leave me a review. I'll put the first chapters up asap.

By the late afternoon the day after the funeral Abby was piled into the car with baby Abby and the things she would need for the trip. It was nearing 11pm when they reached their destination and Abby quickly located the address of her old colleague. She debated whether to show up so late without notice but this was a desperate time. Abby hastily made her way over to the address she had been given.

Kerry Weaver was surprised to hear a knock on her door quite so late at night, not knowing who it could be. That's why when she opened her door she was startled to the verge of tears. There stood a ruined looking Abby, a tiny baby resting against her shoulder. She couldn't believe she was here, that she had come all this way… She quickly took her inside and they got the baby settled in the guest room.

Abby sat down on the couch Weaver offered, not having said much. Abby sighed and sat silently until Kerry addressed her.

"Abby, what's wrong?" She sat down beside her, looking concerned.

"Luka died…" she choked out finally, wincing bitterly.

Kerry took a moment to control her self. He _died? _How? When? "Sweetie, what happened?"

Tears streaked her face, "We were going to the hospital… and a car hit us." She sighed shakily, "It's my fault, my water broke…"

"No hun, you can't control those things…" She brought her into her arms, stroking her hair gently.

Abby straightened, looking ashamed. "I should go…"

"No, dear you stay with me, okay?"

Abby sighed, too upset to argue. She rested back in her arms for a little longer. Then she heard the crying of her daughter. She sat up, ready to go and get her, but Kerry beat her to it. "Don't worry, I'll get her."

Abby rested her head against a pillow, watching quietly as Kerry bounced and soothed her against her shoulder.

"Where's Henry?" Abby asked, breaking her silence spell.

"Asleep. He doesn't usually cry at night."

"Oh, okay." Abby lowered her head back down and closed her eyes, breathing slowly. She was only vaguely aware that Abigail had stopped crying and Kerry was putting her back to sleep. It was time for Abby herself to sleep. That's what she really needed.


End file.
